This one is not important

I started typing this on 16/11.

Feel like I keep saying the same thing.

From the first post to this one,

but that's what I really want to hold myself on.

It’s been forever

 Since the last time I was genuinely happy.

Seems like I am a willing loner,

So to deem the world ever lonely.

I started to regret a lot lately.

Not transferring to a better secondary school;

Not knowing how to put time in reverse;

Not willing to settle as a fool,

Not getting the fame and fulfilment that I think I deserved.

Lost, is what I am certain of.

Ordinary Joe is inevitable,

yet it is what I am trying to save myself from.

Most of all: not being weird enough.

My lack of ability to be weird enough in general,

My lack of power to leave this shit hole.

My lack of will to convey the right signal.

My lack of experience in pursuing a lifetime goal.

My thoughts are so random, and quite often, self-contradicting.

I cannot really get myself together to be productive.

Like I am always procrastinating.

I have to be more like Heathcliff.

Sometimes I do forget:

The things I have been through,

The way I have been neglected;

Sometimes I do suspect:

What am I doing?

Why am I here?

What can I do if I quit?

I haven’t done this in ages.

Having so much to say.

Feel like getting caught in cages,

Placed in where myself started to fade.

 Drake - Hotline Bling

This song doesn't mean anything,

because I have no similar experience.

But it's Drake, and I like it.

So much negativity

It is my intention that not to rhythm this time.

I am not in the mood of doing that shit.

I have so many songs that I want to share.

I am typing this during lecture, so, fuck you.

What I want to share,

Is not what I shared.

Just because I tried my best to be truthful,

Does not mean that I am truthful.

To a certain extent, I am lost in words.

After the trip to North Korea,

The feeling of oblivion is never stronger.

Every fucking thing around me changed,

Without my permission,

Without my acknowledgment.

  People that I called friends, places that used to be familiar,

Even myself.

My understanding towards the ever changing world,

Does not necessarily cater me to it.

Once upon a time,

it was never a problem for me to be confident.

Depression and anxiety have not hit me since ancient time.

Yet, they came back.

I am not aware of it until it became a problem.

I did not even I am THAT sad.

Oblivion.

This contributes to my non-stop growing loneliness

It might sound strange as fuck,

But I have come to a realization that,

My self-esteem is low.

That is mainly where my mental problem comes from.

That’s how my non-caring mind set is built.

People do not like me – I ain’t care.

I like people – I ain’t care.

I don’t even know whether I hate anybody at all.

 Being the clown over-compensates itself.

I feel old; I think old.

I don't think people like me enough;

I think I worth more;

I think my life is going no where.

But instead of making a difference,

I am wasting my fucking time on this god damn blog.

I have so many songs, so many.

 Mr. Children - くるみ

Get to know me

I am way too lazy to put hyperlink to all these.

Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody

Nujabes - luv sic (1-6) 

Nujabes - Ordinary Joe

Drake - Doin' it wrong

X Japan - Joker

Jan & Dan - Can't crush me

Lament - Adolescent

It has started finally.

I am officially an engineering major.

Whining like a bitch does not gain me sympathy;

Mere success requires fatal endeavour.

Meeting new people everywhere at school,

People that are not necessarily interested in meeting me.

Try to fit in; try to look good; try to act cool

Just to find out intellectual communication was never the key.

Back in the days when I was still ambitious;

Back in the days when I still gave a shit;

Back in the days when I didn’t like being ridiculous;

Back in the days when I could conceive.

‘Still tryna play it cool, sound like the man’

This brings non-existing memory that I made up :

I am 16.

Mellow late summer evening sunlight

shining through the street in Japan;

sauntering down with ease.

Early autumn leaves are falling from above,

From the Elysium,

where birds sing, where wind blows.

Dress up in high school uniform.

Accompanied by an imaginary crush,

who is inclined to leave, according to my acknowledgement.

Shoulder to shoulder; hand in hand, unsolicited.

While I am infatuated by the pseudo tranquility,

her aversion does not even lurk:

Shakes my hand off with a sulky face,

And utters sternly, 'Enough with your superfluous pertness,

ere my forbearance is evaporated.'

With my mind drastically shocked,

I emancipate her hand reluctantly.

Then,

There she goes, into vague vacancy.

But it was totally anticipated.

Totally.

The aforementioned scenario never happened,

In which I hope it did or will happen.

The life that I am fond of has been broken,

For I am no longer an adolescent.

秒速5センチメートル－ One More Time, One More Chance