cowardice

//This originated from 31/7/2016, 2 weeks after I was back from Europe//

Back in Hong Kong 

Felt ever so lonely

many good things could have happened in europe

many amazing memories could have been left in Europe

many, too many...

London was alright

I met up with my mates before I started the busking trip

The museum shook me to my last nerve

it changed my perspective on life

I talked about my mental issue with my busking team on our first dinner

they were utterly shocked as I have expected them to be

but there was the beginning of a never-forgotten nightmare 

this is not supposed to be a trip summary or anything like that

just a rant 

so I aint talking bout paris and amsterdam

i have so many regrets

I blame all this regrets on my cowardice

I went to europe in hope of curing my shit and fixing my mind

I ended up having a mental break down in Berlin where I got everybody worrying about me.

I hate that

I dont want people to pretend to care for me

they do NOT get it 

they do not get what is it like to be depressed

what is it like to be desperate, dreadful, hopeless

I went clubbing in Berlin

was shit

the club was lit. I felt like shit.

again

ever so lonely, especially in a club

the busking trip ended with a mellow afternoon in berlin, with great food, great beer an great people

I was being sad.

I am being sad

then me and a few went to Praha, then fewer to Viena

lastly roma

I pray a lot in Roma

i talked to god

i talked to myself

i smoked 

got drunk, shitfaced by myself

slept on the street in roma 

hated myself

I went to the Vatican twice 

just to be closer with god and tried to understand the concept religion 

and understand myself

I cried and cried

within and witnessed by San Pietro

as if God knew me, I talked and connected with a few sisters

the lack of thereof, hope, devastated me

for life, without the pursue of aesthetics, is inherently meaningless

I have always been interested in looking for God

I thought I would never found it 

I did not find it in Vetican

I can only find sadness and lonliness

am i sad because i am lonly

am i lonly because i am sad and so i have a bad vibe

//Its 6/10/2017 that I have decided to post this, cuz I am drunk and sad af again

I am a coward//

kill yourself III - suicide boy