the realest bullshit

Like last time: can’t fall asleep

Unlike last time: I actually have something to say

I choose italic for this piece, no special reason, just thought it looked good. may be I will change it back someday.

This is the last time I can use the 'year 1' label.

I finished my first year with a cranky-ass maths exam

I spent like 15 hours on that

And I forgot basically everything while taking the test

Not really everything, but still, it’s so stupid.

Alright, back to the thing that I actually prepared to say.

After the exam, I took a ferry to TST.

Then I headed to a not-so-empty balcony in Ocean Terminal.

I should have taken pictures, what a sight to be seen.

I kind of just stood there and chilled for like an hour.

You know, feeling kind of down because I am really under-prepared for my Europe trip, and I am nervous and feeling helpless even. I still got no host whatsoever. Fuck. 

And for some other reason as well, if you know what I mean.

Then I pulled out my earbuds and tryna hit some tunes.

And Eason’s 最後派對 started playing.

<side note>

if whoever reading did not already know, I was “diagnosed” with depression and anxiety

I didn’t use to think that it actually does anything to me.

Except that my suicidal thoughts often keep me up all night

</side note>

that song got me fuck up.

There is one line that does like this:

若一天你活得很累

then I started crying like a lil bitch.

The last time I cried, it’s 2 year ago.

The last time I cried this loud, I don’t know, primary school years may be.

活得很累

Then I replayed that track, and thought to myself:

既然活得很累，冇乜所謂啦

I thought why not put an end to all this,

So I was like: lemme jump off the balcony after this song finished.

Mind you, I was still crying like shit, like super loud and super obnoxiously.

I was so ready – old memories started to pop up.

It was literally the fastest 3 minutes in my life.

Before I realize, I was already sitting on the concrete fence

It was obviously not my first attempt at committing suicide,

But it was the furthest I have gone.

I was waiting for the last chorus to came along.

I did not jump off and died, unfortunately.

In fact, a friend from uni called and asked me to play CS:GO.

The call was just right on time, cutting the song off in the middle of the last chorus.

Then, the whole emo and depressive mood was gone.

It was just one blink away. Shit.

No joke, he saved my damn life.

Cheers mate.

It sends mad shivers down my spine just by thinking of it.

I originally went to TST to go to Tom Lee, trying to get the whole guitar issue settled.

I really have a lot of issues, that I have to address asap.

I am a changed man, I hope.

I “promise” myself, starting from today, to be less clingy, less worry about stuff, be more brave, cheerful and genuine.

It’s funny how I still like mocking people being overly genuine and lack sense of humour.  But I do feel like I have to feel for more other things, stop acting like I don’t care.

Right, sometimes I seriously don’t care, not even a bit. But sometimes, I just act like I don’t give a shit, but in actuality, I give all of the shit, or at least some shit.

The attitude of indifference has always been the definition of being “cool’,

But I don’t think it worked on me.

Ok, to celebrate me for not dying, lemme set up some realistic goals for the coming months:

To be brave enough to do some next level stupid shit

To cure my social media addiction and get a life

To not whine as much

To be more positive and genuine, even if it’s stupid: I much rather be stupid than dead.

To not be drag behind by the mere thoughts of: having emotions is lame

I am starting to realize why I always want to become the butt of all joke:

It is because if I make people laugh at my joke before they laugh at me, it could cover up my insecurities and my lack of personality, stories and self-confidence.

 On one hand, I want all the attention, at the same time, I am scared of it as well.

Also, I realize that I started lying a lot more after I started liking this girl. Isn’t it weird? I always think I got nothing to hide, not even my porn.

But I unconsciously lie, thinking that it will make me seems more desirable and sociable. But I am sure, they all know when I am lying, so it just makes me look more like a fuck boy.  I guess it is a sign of low self-esteem.

I am gonna stop here. Still gotta work tmr. It’s 3 in the morning again.

PS.

I write this part first. So.. Ah.. Yeah..

This piece is super long

Read the whole thing if you can

Got some real fucked up shit happened.

Sort of forgot about the whole blogging thingy for 2 months.

It was not like I was busy, it’s just... I don’t actually know why.

Fuck it, I don’t care why. <--- see what I was saying, acting like I don’t care

Please indulge my bad grammar though, that’s the thing that I actually don’t give no damn.

This will be the last blog before heading to Europe,

I guess, may be, I don’t know

It’s not like I have a fucking schedule for this.

Why bother having a schedule,

when the whole blog is just another place for me to whine

just like any other social media site.

I whine whenever, wherever I have something to whine about.

I whine therefore I am

What does Ps. stand for, btw?      

最後派對