Like last time: can’t fall asleep
Unlike last time: I actually have something to say
I choose italic for this piece, no special reason, just thought it looked good. may be I will change it back someday.
This is the last time I can use the 'year 1' label.
I finished my first year with a cranky-ass maths
exam
I spent like 15 hours on that
And I forgot basically everything while taking the
test
Not really everything, but still, it’s so stupid.
Alright, back to the thing that I actually prepared
to say.
After the exam, I took a ferry to TST.
Then I headed to a not-so-empty balcony in Ocean
Terminal.
I should have taken pictures, what a sight to be
seen.
I kind of just stood there and chilled for like an
hour.
You know, feeling kind of down because I am really
under-prepared for my Europe trip, and I am nervous and feeling helpless even. I still got no host whatsoever. Fuck.
And
for some other reason as well, if you know what I mean.
Then I pulled out my earbuds and tryna hit some
tunes.
And Eason’s 最後派對
started playing.
<side note>
if whoever reading did not already know, I was “diagnosed”
with depression and anxiety
I didn’t use to think that it actually does anything
to me.
Except that my suicidal thoughts often keep me up
all night
</side note>
that song got me fuck up.
There is one line that does like this:
若一天你活得很累
then I started crying like a lil bitch.
The last time I cried, it’s 2 year ago.
The last time I cried this loud, I don’t know,
primary school years may be.
活得很累
Then I replayed that track, and thought to myself:
既然活得很累，冇乜所謂啦
I thought why not put an end to all this,
So I was like: lemme jump off the balcony after
this song finished.
Mind you, I was still crying like shit, like super
loud and super obnoxiously.
I was so ready – old memories started to pop up.
It was literally the fastest 3 minutes in my life.
Before I realize, I was already sitting on the concrete
fence
It was obviously not my first attempt at committing
suicide,
But it was the furthest I have gone.
I was waiting for the last chorus to came along.
I did not jump off and died, unfortunately.
In fact, a friend from uni called and asked me to
play CS:GO.
The call was just right on time, cutting the song
off in the middle of the last chorus.
Then, the whole emo and depressive mood was gone.
It was just one blink away. Shit.
No joke, he saved my damn life.
Cheers mate.
It sends mad shivers down my spine just by thinking
of it.
I originally went to TST to go to Tom Lee, trying
to get the whole guitar issue settled.
I really have a lot of issues, that I have to address
asap.
I am a changed man, I hope.
I “promise” myself, starting from today, to be less
clingy, less worry about stuff, be more brave, cheerful and genuine.
It’s funny how I still like mocking people being
overly genuine and lack sense of humour.
But I do feel like I have to feel for more other things, stop acting
like I don’t care.
Right, sometimes I seriously don’t care, not even a
bit. But sometimes, I just act like I don’t give a shit, but in actuality, I give
all of the shit, or at least some shit.
The attitude of indifference has always been the
definition of being “cool’,
But I don’t think it worked on me.
Ok, to celebrate me for not dying, lemme set up some
realistic goals for the coming months:
To be brave enough to do some next level stupid
shit
To cure my social media addiction and get a life
To not whine as much
To be more positive and genuine, even if it’s
stupid: I much rather be stupid than dead.
To not be drag behind by the mere thoughts of:
having emotions is lame
I am starting to realize why I always want to
become the butt of all joke:
It is because if I make people laugh at my joke
before they laugh at me, it could cover up my insecurities and my lack of
personality, stories and self-confidence.
On one hand,
I want all the attention, at the same time, I am scared of it as well.
Also, I realize that I started lying a lot more
after I started liking this girl. Isn’t it weird? I always think I got nothing
to hide, not even my porn.
But I unconsciously lie, thinking that it will make
me seems more desirable and sociable. But I am sure, they all know when I am
lying, so it just makes me look more like a fuck boy. I guess it is a sign of low self-esteem.
I am gonna stop here. Still gotta work tmr. It’s 3
in the morning again.
PS.
I write this part first. So.. Ah.. Yeah..
This piece is super long
Read the whole thing if you can
Got some real fucked up shit happened.
Sort of forgot about the whole blogging thingy for
2 months.
It was not like I was busy, it’s just... I don’t actually
know why.
Fuck it, I don’t care why. <--- see what I was
saying, acting like I don’t care
Please indulge my bad grammar though, that’s the thing
that I actually don’t give no damn.
This will be the last blog before heading to Europe,
I guess, may be, I don’t know
It’s not like I have a fucking schedule for this.
Why bother having a schedule,
when the whole blog is just another place for me to
whine
just like any other social media site.
I whine whenever, wherever I have something to
whine about.
I whine therefore I am
What does Ps. stand for, btw?
