Hold that thought

人在加國

種種，

只能說是沒有表情的雪人

have fun是惟一目的

比香港fun得要多

但都不重要

hold that thought

drunk ass post

Havent actually written anything for almost a year

The past year is fucking crazy

I spent 4 months in one of the most chur campus hall

I spent 4 months trying to study to get myself outta depression

The more I tried, the worse it gets

Anxiety and Bipolarity have been better

But fucking depression

Fucking shit

I spent another 2 months on the sea for my internship for the government’s 3^rd runway

For one, I do not want to work for the gov.

2^nd, I don’t agree that we need and be building the 3^rd runway

I completed the internship anyway

I am such a coward

I have no direction, no goals, no meaning

I only wish to FIND god and FIND meaning, in my miserable life

Now for  this sem, I thought I was gonna study hard

And get a good CGPA

But apparently that’s out of my reach

I don’t know

My clinical psychologist kept on urging me to get back on them pills

But I don’t really want to

This struggle has lasted for more than 5 months where she wants me to be back on the pills but I don’t want to

The pills just really fuck me up in the head

I cannot think straight when Im on anti-depressant

Idk, I think I may get some pills in the coming weeks just in case

I am sad af

I am so lonely, I want someone to care

Why do I want anyone to care??

I have no idea.

Is it that I need validation from other people, to confirm my state of mind?

NO, fuck NO.

Well, then why?

I am going to Canada in about 2 months time

I am so uner-prepared, I don’t know whats gonna happen

I am so scared

I haven’t been any close to being this scared in my life

Not when I went to DPRk

Not when I went to eurpoe

But this Canada thing, bruh

Even though I have always been on my own,

This time I have to do it without my Clinical Psychiatrist

I cant see her for the coming 9 months cuz she is pregnant and I am going on exchange

She helped me a lot, she also fucked me up a lot

She hit me with truth that I have been avoiding

I think I am actually will be on sleeping pills tonight

I wont kill myself until I finished my Canada exchange

cowardice

//This originated from 31/7/2016, 2 weeks after I was back from Europe//

Back in Hong Kong 

Felt ever so lonely

many good things could have happened in europe

many amazing memories could have been left in Europe

many, too many...

London was alright

I met up with my mates before I started the busking trip

The museum shook me to my last nerve

it changed my perspective on life

I talked about my mental issue with my busking team on our first dinner

they were utterly shocked as I have expected them to be

but there was the beginning of a never-forgotten nightmare 

this is not supposed to be a trip summary or anything like that

just a rant 

so I aint talking bout paris and amsterdam

i have so many regrets

I blame all this regrets on my cowardice

I went to europe in hope of curing my shit and fixing my mind

I ended up having a mental break down in Berlin where I got everybody worrying about me.

I hate that

I dont want people to pretend to care for me

they do NOT get it 

they do not get what is it like to be depressed

what is it like to be desperate, dreadful, hopeless

I went clubbing in Berlin

was shit

the club was lit. I felt like shit.

again

ever so lonely, especially in a club

the busking trip ended with a mellow afternoon in berlin, with great food, great beer an great people

I was being sad.

I am being sad

then me and a few went to Praha, then fewer to Viena

lastly roma

I pray a lot in Roma

i talked to god

i talked to myself

i smoked 

got drunk, shitfaced by myself

slept on the street in roma 

hated myself

I went to the Vatican twice 

just to be closer with god and tried to understand the concept religion 

and understand myself

I cried and cried

within and witnessed by San Pietro

as if God knew me, I talked and connected with a few sisters

the lack of thereof, hope, devastated me

for life, without the pursue of aesthetics, is inherently meaningless

I have always been interested in looking for God

I thought I would never found it 

I did not find it in Vetican

I can only find sadness and lonliness

am i sad because i am lonly

am i lonly because i am sad and so i have a bad vibe

//Its 6/10/2017 that I have decided to post this, cuz I am drunk and sad af again

I am a coward//

kill yourself III - suicide boy

埋葬的土耳其

〈旅行的意義〉是生命對我的呼喊

你看過了許多美景　你看過了許多美女

你迷失在地圖上每一道短暫的光陰

你品嚐了夜的巴黎　你踏過下雪的北京

你熟記書本裡每一句你最愛的真理

卻說不出你愛我的原因　卻說不出你欣賞我哪一種表情

卻說不出在什麼場合我曾讓你動心　說不出　離開的原因

你累積了許多飛行　你用心挑選紀念品

你蒐集了地圖上每一次的風和日麗

你擁抱熱情的島嶼　你埋葬記憶的土耳其

你留戀電影裡美麗的不真實的場景

卻說不出你愛我的原因　卻說不出你欣賞我哪一種表情

卻說不出在什麼場合我曾讓你分心　說不出　旅行的意義

你勉強說出你愛我的原因　卻說不出你欣賞我哪一種表情

卻說不出在什麼場合我曾讓你分心　說不出　離開的原因

勉強說出　你為我寄出的每一封信　都是你　離開的原因

你離開我　就是旅行的意義

我說：生命呀！是誰？是誰把你擱淺？

「踏上親切的陸地是哪位

能尋回初心 - 重返海洋的，可不可以是我？」
回西洋，去東洋
要好好思考作決擇

在碧藍上靜止的半人像 是古希臘的神話

意大利人就只會抄襲 人之常情
他的靜默 被他憂怨的目光打斷

粉紅色的瞳孔看似死亡入口 

閃爍著 討論著 嘲笑著

呼喊著：旅行的意義

A big step back

Thought it was a funny joke and a ironic thing to do to live in one of the most chur hall.
I mean, yeah it is funny and I did put on a face in hall.
But after one sem, I think it changed me, ever so slightly.
still, it changed me.
no matter how many layers of mask i put on, there are yet some of my personality found their way out and present themselves, here and there, a bit, a bit.
I be typin dis shit in hall, after a realisation that i did not put on the perfect or correct face for a lot of situation. That where i fucked up.
I never think putting on faces is a problem: putting on the wrong face fucks you up.
I can't balance my real life and hall life.
I dont consider the time I spent on hall shit is real.

A lot of shit happend, and more shit didnt happen and will never happen.

now im into a lot of weird music

vaporwave
ocean grunge
lo-fi
blues
jazz shit
avant garde shit
barbershop quartet

i started to find retro wave boring, like wtf
idk

been lost

Mental state

 [I]

Secret asks

/Have you been alright/

Lie says

/I am alright/

[II]

Secret hides.

Lie says

/I am coming to find you/

Secret is never found

[III]

Lie pretends to be Secret

Secret be like:

/Go ahead my brother

We are the same - the same thing/

[IV]

Lie asks

/Do you always be real/

Secrets says

/                                   /

It says nothing

[V]

Lie is gone

Nah

That is a lie

It will stay

Forever

[VI]

Secret says

/It’s just the two of us/

Lie says

/Yea it is, isn’t it/

Secret says

/I wish it isn’t though/

Lie says

/Yea it isn’t, is it/

[VII]

Lie says

/I never really know who you are/

Secret says

/I never really know neither of us

But I know you are lying/

Lie be like

: )    ->    ; p    ->    : ) 

[VIII]

Lie says

/Secret is gone/

Nah

That is a lie

Secret will stay

Forever

[IX]

Secret pretends to be Lie

Lie be like:

/Are we really the same/

Lie says to Lie

/We are/

Lie is Secret

Secret is Lie

Lie is Lie

The same thing

The same person

[X]

Secret asks

/Are you alright now/

Lie says

/I am alright/

Secret says

/You lying piece of shit/

Lie be like

: )    ->    ; p    ->    : ) 

黃品源 － 你怎麼捨得我難過